sadness

the mirror reflects something i've never

seen before

a reflection so sharp, it hurts

the unspeakable is spoken silently

and for once

i'm sorry

my mom likes to watch the storms

she watches anger come and go

she puts a bandaid on a cut

and a coat on when it's cold

my dad gets angry for a second

and then goes upstairs to his room

he can act like nothing happened

he'll be right back downstairs soon

my brother gets upset

but never quite like me

my sisters fight and cry

but they bounce back and i see

that i am

constantly surrounded

by the healthiness i'm not

i am breaking by the second

in a storm in which i'm caught

getting better is a lie and

i can't even cry and

sadness can't be cured and 

my "happy" isn't pure and 

the gravel doesn't hurt and

my scissors just don't work and

the sun is way too hot in

this hoodie that i bought and

the number on my phone sits

texted all alone and

i cannot tell the truth but

it's only to save you

"we'll be best friends forever" ended in seventh grade

"i think i really like you" stopped after one rumor was made

"i'll grow my hair out to the floor", looked in the mirror saw it cut

"hold the door for me" i walked to slow and saw it shut

my favorite color changed, i watch each season end

i don't like chicken nuggets and i don't jump out of bed

building snowmen in the cold doesn't give the thrill i loved

now it hurts my fingers, makes them numb through bigger gloves

drunk upon sadness, straight from the bottle

sleeping it off, too wasted to call home

stuck with some strangers, thought they were friends

if i don't get stability i'll go right to the end

i know i should stop but the aching needs help

i'm spinning so slowly, i'm feeling unwell

this headache is endless, it all falls on me

i'm feeling my thoughts and watching them bleed

i'm turning in my bed because i just can't get to sleep, everything i feel i'm made of i'm not sure i want to keep, i sit there staring up at the dark empty ceiling, silently praying to a god that i don't think i believe in, i cause pain on my body just to quiet my head, i tried to swallow pills to make sure nothing went unsaid, i broke off ties with my friends so they could easily move on, i planned for almost everything except if something did go wrong, i wasn't ready for the homework i never thought i'd have to do, i wasn't ready to get changed and have to go to school, i didn't think about college any later than december, i didn't plan to feel this hurt i thought the pain would end forever, i was angry i was sad but i was kind of relieved too

cause making permanent decisions is a really hard thing to do